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Perusing the forum topics is getting depressing...

(68 posts)

Started 2 weeks ago by Mindy
Latest reply from ballardmama

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Mindy

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...to the point where it reads like a local television news website.
Anyone have something uplifting or funny to share?

Posted 2 weeks ago #
twintown

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While this may be already well known, I get a laugh each time I see it. How crazy and fun is this?

Crasher Squirrel
http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-amazing-true-story-of-crasher-squirrel

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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Yeah, ok, maybe not exactly uplifting or funny, but at least a slice of normal life...

My wife and I are having an argument. Yesterday, being all cold & stormy, I thought I might have a little soup for lunch. Normally I make it from scratch, but obviously wouldn't have time during my lunch hour. So I peeked in the pantry and found 4-cans of Campbells, but my wife wouldn't let me eat any.

It's my contention that you could take an old can of soup that was laying around Cherynbol and probably be safe eating it. She thinks that the 2005 date-stamp on the cans is probably contrary to my lunch plans.

Who's right?

Posted 2 weeks ago #
MadHatter

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Hmmm... Funny and uplifting... Let's see.

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says "What the long face for?"

Q: What's the difference between a Computer Programmer and God?

A: God doesn't think he is a programmer.

What else? The sun is shining, the birds are chirping (okay, maybe not here but somewhere they are!)

And I am still alive. What can be more uplifting that that?

Posted 2 weeks ago #
sammy

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On the topic of dogs and thunderstorms:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/103901/30-rock-kenneth-and-the-dogs#s-p3-sr-i1

A mini-dose of joy:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/92561/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-puppies-dressed-as-cats

And a little something for halloween:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/105761/the-tonight-show-with-conan-obrien-puppies-dressed-as-frankensteins

Posted 2 weeks ago #
toudios

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jubbjubb-
She's your wife, correct?

of *course* she's right.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Mindy

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Thanks y'all. I really needed to chuckle some.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Jules

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In light of the thunderstorm, and for all you kitty lovers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN2Z8kTND00

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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oh yeah, in tribute to our fellow myballard poster my favorite joke...

piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer
bartender says, "we don't serve string in this bar, get out"
really wanting to go into the bar the string decides to disguise himself,
ties a knot just above his head, pulls all the thread apart so he looks kinda like a skinny, white don king and goes back into the bar to order his beer.
bartender looks at him and says, "ain't you the string I just threw outa here?"
string says, " 'fraid not"

second favorite:

snow white goes over to fotomat to pick up her pictures,
clerk says, "they're not back from the lab yet"
snow white says, "that's ok. someday my prints will come."

Posted 2 weeks ago #
wildernessbarbie

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Jules-I like you kitty video and counter with this one! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSOrbV7ILrc&feature=related (Always Sunny in Philadelphia is always good for the wincing laugh!)

And really, anything by Man Stroke Woman (which is a sketch comedy show from the BBC, not porn): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4eEj1lzPkk&feature=related

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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toudios:
Yes, "she" did reference my wife. And, thanks for pointing that out -- my mom always got mad when I referred to her as "she". She (haha mom, can't get me in trouble on myballard) always said that " 'she' is how you refer to a dog, not your mother". I suppose the ol' wifey-poo deserves the same respect.

Worth note: my mom is one of those Brittish nut-jobs with her own ideas about things. Reisling wine is pronounced with a hard 'i', not a hard 'e' -- basil is pronounced with a soft 'a' and a 'z' rather than an 's' in the middle. Stuff like that.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Jules

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Kitten Mittens! Hilarious!

Posted 2 weeks ago #
ED

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Forget about uplifting. Lets keep the neighborhood info rolling. There are plenty of sites for laughing.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
wildernessbarbie

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OK, neighborhood info/stories then... While sitting at a booth at the farmer's market this February where we were passing out info on a fundraiser, we would try to engage people passing by in conversation in an attempt to get them to stop and take some fliers. Many people would just walk past with this glazed look, pleasantly smiling, but not focusing on anything or really paying attention. You could spot them easily. Those were the ones that, instead of the usual: "Would you like to join us for a fund raiser for the Ballard Food Bank?" line, my sweet, matronly looking friend started saying, with a big pleasant smile on her face "Come worship the Dark Lord with us Sir?" People would just continue to smile and nod and walk on, while we were dying laughing in the back.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
pattr

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How can we kid around when the missing link isnt finished!! Just kidding couldnt resist :-) Have a good weekend

Posted 2 weeks ago #
motorrad

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I just posted a thread giving props to the female full figured joggers a few days ago. That was positive.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
kerala

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Hope this is as funny to you when written as it is to me when when spoken...

Lucy & Ethel (insert mother-in-law & mother names here) were going out to lunch. Lucy was driving (I swear - this is not a Ballard driver joke) and they were having a nice conversation about Fred & Ricky's six-pack abs. They approach a very stale yellow light and Lucy drives right through. Ethel, a little surprised, thinks that Lucy is really getting feisty in her old age and decides to say nothing. They approach another intersection with a red light and Lucy again, sails right through. Ethel, now sure of what she saw but not wanting to upset Lucy decides if it happens once more - she'll speak up. Well, sure enough, here comes another red light and Lucy doesn't hesitate to drive right on through the intersection. Ethel can't contain herself and says
"Lucy! You just drove through two red lights!"
And Lucy replies, "Am I driving?"

;-)

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Deturk

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JubbJubb - did you ever get any lunch?

Posted 2 weeks ago #
shallow.end

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Lots of good stuff and fond memories of ballard on the Facebook page.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/myballard

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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Deturk- Yeah, she let me eat a can of chili dated 2008.

Once I found a pizza in my trunk that was at least 3-weeks old. It was a little dry, but didn't make me sick.

Another time, on the first camping trip of the season with our family friends, we got to the campsite a little late; was pretty hungery and found some chocolate cake in the friend's camper; had a piece, handed out a couple of pieces; thought it was a little dry, but the gal was a pretty crappy cook so you know, I was hungery and not gonna bitch. Yeah, well turns out they made the cake on the last trip of the season the year prior and didn't realize it had been left. In the middle of the cake a green dome had formed taking up all but the outer crust of the cake. Everyone else threw-up, but I think they just psyched out.

I don't think food really goes bad, well except for my mom's 50th b'day. I feed about 50 people some delicious turkey chili, but didn't do a good job of keeping the temp up before serving. The preacher was grey during the next morning's service which was rather poorly attended since a number of parishners had been at the party; the surgical tech was banned from the duck blind and had to spend the next day's hunting trip alone, down-wind from the doctors he went hunting with (and was too pre-occupied with, uh, personal problems to get a shot off anyway); and my mom's old boss still won't speak to me. But now that I think about it, I wasn't too affected by that one either.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
wildernessbarbie

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Jubbjubb-as someone who's had food poisoning so bad I actually "forgot" how to swallow, I can assure you, food goes bad. Especially chicken sold at low rate Mexican restaurants it seems.

Sounds like you've got an iron gut, good for you! I think a can of soup would be OK to eat as long as there's no swelling of the can. It may not taste great, but likely not kill you. Only one way to find out!

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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Actually there was also: The Volcano Roll Incident.

Summer 2008 during a real hot stretch I stopped by Bento Sushi (up on 15th near 85th and the Petco) and got the Volcano Roll. If only I had "volcanoed" before it was too late, but I managed to keep it down. By the next day I was wearing several layers, including my robe and a blanket (if only they'd had Snuggies back then) and was begging my wife to turn on the fireplace, but since it was about 95-degrees out she refused.

Lesson learned: Don't order sushi from a place next to a crappy convenience store and (more importantly) across from a questionable pet store.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
blackcat91

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Ha! I think I just threw up in my mouth reading jubbjubb's story... but at least I'm not craving chocolate cake anymore which is good since I don't have any laying around, fresh or rancid :)

Seriously though, I got Salmonella poisoning once from Naked Juice and it was BAD (I believe that outbreak was the reason they started flash pasteurizing it). I've seen people get other types of food poisoning as well and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Ouch! You sound like you've been lucky so far, hope it stays that way :)

Posted 2 weeks ago #
phoo

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jubbjubb, I wouldn't've let you eat the 2005 soup either. Canned food CAN go bad on occasion. I recently opened a can of expired tomato paste. It was dated somewhere in 2008. It squirted when I opened it, indicating bacteria growth. The can wasn't bulging, but clearly there'd been an increase of volume since it was sealed. It didn't look bad, smell bad, etc. Unfortunately, canned food that has gone bad is less likely to be a salmonella experience and more likely to be an anaerobic bacteria (such as botulism: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Botulism) experience which can be even nastier. I do seem to find it happens more with tomatoes than anything else.

Basically, if there is any doubt, it's just not worth saving the dollar.

It sounds like you've got a cast iron stomach, which is great. But it also means that by the time some food *does* make you ill it is going to be very very serious. Oh, and the other folks probably were genuinely ill - for some reason I can get sick off of barely dubious milk while the other half has zero problem with it. People just have different tolerances.

Also, if you ever get food poisoning once, you'll probably never risk it again. I once tasted 1TB of pumpkin pie batter before popping it in the oven and a couple days later was awestruck by how my body knew to get sick precisely every 30 minutes. After that, the memory of that incident has stayed with me strongly enough that not even delicious cookie dough can tempt me into taking that risk again. Oh and a big EFF YOU to the "advice nurse" from Kaiser who tried telling me that I had the flu, but whom I was too sick to argue with or even take my temperature. If there was any further doubt that I had salmonella, having a bloated, distended, firm belly for the next week proved that I was indeed brewing biological WMD in there.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
blackcat91

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phoo - the urgent care doctor told me I was "stressed out & needed exercise" when I went in for the Salmonella. She gave me anxiety meds and didn't even run any tests. It wasn't until a few days later when I was REALLY BAD that my doctor did tests and called the CDC. What's up with that? I'm sorry to hear that happened to someone else (though for me it wasn't at Kaiser). I even wrote the clinic a letter about it and their legal department responded with a form letter that symptoms don't always show up early. Ummm... the symptoms were there, and how about doing a test instead of just saying someone is stressed? Of course I was stressed... I was sick as a dog :(

Posted 2 weeks ago #
phoo

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WildernessBarbie: that sounds similar to what my friend did when she worked for Pizza Hut.

<spoiler: language>
if you are offended by language, please skip over the following. the actual words are integral to the joke.

5

4

3

2

1

She'd pick up the phone and say "Fuck you for calling pizza slut, how may I help you?" Some folks would pause and say.... "What did you say?" She smoothly replied "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, how may I help you?" She never once got called on it.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
phoo

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blackcat, that is horrible. Could I ask what facility it was? Kaiser is *legendary* for their poor care. I am so thankful they do not exist in Washington. Kaiser was one of the original HMOs and my motto for them was always "Pay $1, get $1's worth of health care."

While I can see an overworked nurse being stupid and telling me the flu, it's a much tougher to explain the completely incompetent care you received. Oh, I think my symptoms started just after the 48 hour window, so that didn't help things. My system tends to work very slowly.

Man, I just can't get over that... "stressed out and need exercise?!" Was your doctor a junkie? Seriously. What HORRIBLE care. Crap like that kills people.

Makes me think of the time the other half was having a terrible allergy attack, preventing him from breathing. He just barely managed to drive himself to the doctor. Doctor says "ah, the problem is that you are fat." He may be chunky, but he has no problems breathing when there aren't kitties (or bunnies, or dogs, etc) around.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
blackcat91

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It was at a Sansum Clinic (urgent care, not my regular doctor) in southern California... they're mainly HMO as well. I still can't believe they did that and their lame explanation attempt in the letter. I should note that I had all the symptoms when I went in and after they told me I was just "stressed" I went back to a training course for work until the instructor stopped the class & told me to leave because I was literally turning green. I honestly do not know how I continued to work, etc. for at least 4 days after getting sick but after that I was out for almost 2 weeks since treatment was started so late!

Posted 2 weeks ago #
jubbjubb

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Regarding getting the brush off by medical personnel... I'm into a very specialized form of workers' compensation. I have gentleman who banged his leg against something, had a little contusion for all he knew; so small in fact that the claim wasn't even reported. A week later his wife took him to the hospital, he was ferverish and slightly delusional. The doctor said he had the flu and sent him home; "take an asprin and call me in the morning". I got the claim right after they cut off his legs... he'd suffered a fall years back, had some hardware in his ankle, it loosened up and the bacteria inherent was freed, going thru the bloodstream and infecting the non-injured leg, then coming back around and infecting the slightly injured leg. Now he has no legs. What about malpractice, you say? Had some of the best attorneys around look at the case and since it was a rural hospital the error fell into a simple lower "standard of care" and no case could be made.

Don't let medical folks push you around, use good sense and demand good care; they're just technicians practicing something that is as much an art as science, and you could say that about a bartender; they're not the gods they convince themselves they are.

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Michael Snyder

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I-5 and Aurora Ave are in a bar having a beer.

The Burke-Gilman Trail walks in and orders a beer.

Suddenly Aurora Ave notices the Burke-Gilman Trail and is frozen with fear.
I-5 asks "What are you so afraid of? It's just the Burke-Gilman."

Aurora Ave responds "Don't you know? He's a cycle-path"

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Nora Bell

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I wish I could say that was the most painful joke in this forum, Michael. I really wish I could. :-)

Posted 2 weeks ago #
wildernessbarbie

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Phoo... I think people have to amuse themselves any way they can. I had a friend who worked at Ticket Master and would answer with "Thank you for calling Chicken Blaster..." and same friend who worked at an ice cream shop would ask, with a spoon full of nuts in hand "Would you like some penis on that?" Only one guy eve caught it and responded with a disgusted "NO!"

Posted 2 weeks ago #
Silver

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So a dog limps into a bar, and he says:

(You guess! What does he say?)

Posted 1 week ago #
Silver

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Oh come on! Nobody has a guess?

Posted 1 week ago #
Silver

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Oh, very well.

A dog limps into a bar, and he says,

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Posted 1 week ago #
chicone

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"I wanna see the man who shot my paw!"

Army Colonel Eats 40-Year-Old Cake

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SHohZ2ljC4

Posted 1 week ago #
Silver

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I think this is really funny!

Posted 1 week ago #
Nora Bell

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Thanks, Silver! That's my new desktop. :-)
Keep the bad jokes coming too! A laugh at a bad joke is still a good thing.

Posted 1 week ago #
jubbjubb

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You know, I like Ivars, but it's a shame the one up here on 15th doesn't sell clam nectar. You have to go down to the waterfront store to get a cup. Actually I like to stop by that one place a bit north of Ivar's to get a grilled halibut sandwich then go over to Ivar's for the nectar and chow down on the pier nextdoor. Anyway, I went down there the other day and amongst all the other folks hanging out met a lady in a wheel chair. She seemed a little down and was right next to the table I'd sat at so I said hello. We got to chatting a bit and she still seemed pretty depressed so I asked what was wrong. She said that she was 30 years old and never had a boyfriend; that she'd never even been hugged. So, you know, I felt pretty bad for her, bent over and gave her a hug. Well we talked some more and after a while she mentioned, with a bit of a tear in her eye, that she'd never been kissed by anyone but her mother. So, once more I bent over, gave her a hug and this time a kiss too. To get to the long and short of it, we talked for a while more and, honestly I just don't get what she was really driving at, but she said she's never been f***ked before -- mind you we're sitting on a public dock and she's stuck in a wheelchair and we're having this otherwise civil conversation. Anyway, I kinda get behind her, shove her & her wheelchair off the side of the dock and yell, "now you're f***ked.

You asked for it Nora Bell

Posted 1 week ago #
Silver

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Sigh.

Posted 1 week ago #

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