I posted that an hour ago and the best I get is Silver's sigh, jeez
My Ballard Forum » Open Forum
Perusing the forum topics is getting depressing...
(68 posts)-
jubbjubb
offlineMemberPosted 1 week ago # -
MidWest
offlineMemberOk, for something very family friendly and ridiculous (but will make some of you retch):
(your sound must be on, but not TOO loud)
Posted 1 week ago # -
Nora Bell
offlineMemberSorry I asked, jubbjubb. ;-)
(though, I've often met people at Ivar's I've wanted to shove off the pier)That was disturbingly cute, MidWest. Hmm, now to decide which nephew would be most annoyed by it to send it to.......
Posted 1 week ago # -
Ah, MidWest! The infamous Hamster Dance! If that doesn't give you earworms, nothing will!
Once upon a time at a movie preview event the promoters were taking a long time queing up the next preview, so I started singing the hampster dance music. Many of the audience joined in, but most of them just threw popcorn at me!
Can't take me anywhere. ;-)
Posted 1 week ago # -
How many Ballard Industrialists would it take to pave the Missing Link?
Give up?
Only two, but you would have to slice them really thin.
Posted 1 week ago # -
wildernessbarbie
offlineMemberJubbjubb, I loved your joke, it's right up my (dark and morbid) alley!
I counter with one of my favorites: A Proctologist goes to the bank, reaches into his pocket for his pen, and goes to fill out his deposit slip. He suddenly realizes he's attempting to do so with his rectal thermometer. "Damnit!" he exclaims "Some a$$ hole has got my pen!"
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jules
offlineMemberTo the previous poster ...DON'T EAT THE SOUP. Would you pay $1 not to be sick? Five dollars? Ten? Forty? I am sick as a pup right now and I would pay $100 to be up and running.
All the scary stories about HMO's reminded me...waaaaayyy back in the day my husband and I had Group Health. (he is literally never sick) I got a sinus infection. It was quite obvious what it was. Went to GH...saw a Nurse Practioner. They sent me to the phrarmacy where I waited in line for @45 minutes to get, no, not antibiotics; a spray bottle of saline solution. Two days later I'm back high fever, and you can actually see the sinues they were so red....and the doctor says I have a headache because of muscular tention and proceeds to give me a shot of Lidocaine IN MY SCALP, which, I assure you, was just about as fun as it sounds. Felt like every hair on my head was standing on end. Still no antibiotics.
Finally, I called an ear-nose-throat doc in Ballard, where they actually vacuumed my sinuses. I walked out of there $250 lighter, with a prescription for antibiotics, and my sinuses clean as a whist;e. We switched insurance pronto.
Maybe GH works for some people, but I thought it was awful.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jules
offlineMemberHere is a funny clip for all you dog lovers out there.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/103901/30-rock-kenneth-and-the-dogsYou Know you are Old School Ballard page on Facebook:
http://www.facebook.com/lucie.melahn#/group.php?gid=42733612420Almost Live: The Ballard Files
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyF0-syviGo&feature=PlayList&p=5168013B8C8C027A&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=28Almost Live: Cops in Ballard
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGlDVmBLibg&feature=relatedAlmost Live: Ballard Driving Academy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBgIvH0tu6Y&feature=relatedPosted 1 week ago # -
MidWest
offlineMemberBill Nye is great in the "Cops in Ballard" Almost Live skit. :)
Gotta love the "parking enforcement"..!
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan Pryce
offlineMemberA hamburger and a french fry walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here."E-flat walks into a bar, The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors."
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The Screwdriver responds, "You have a drink named Murray?"
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Posted 1 week ago # -
Nora Bell
offlineMemberLove it!!!! I remember the Ballard Driving Academy but I must've missed Cops in Ballard the first time around. :-)
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan, I want an invite to your next party.
What's brown and wrinkled and lies at the bottom of a bell tower?
The lunch bag of Notre Dame.
Posted 1 week ago # -
zeke you
offlineMember"Thunderstorms & Neon Signs" by Wayne "The Train" Hancock always takes me to my happy place during a storm. But that's just me.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan Pryce
offlineMemberI'd love to unleash a hoard of Your Mama and Priest, Minister and Rabbi jokes, but don't want to offend . . . I'm cooped up fighting off the crud, winning, but going a bit stir crazy.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Elliott
onlineMemberWhat are the three stages of male sexual development?
o Triweekly
o Try weekly
o Try weaklyPosted 1 week ago # -
msballard30
onlineMemberDon't be mad ...
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
He then goes for a walk around town, and spots an ice-cream shop. Being a penguin in Arizona, he decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a bowl of vanilla ice cream. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin shakes his head furiously and shouts, "It's ice cream, I swear!"
Posted 1 week ago # -
msballard30
onlineMemberHow to Bathe Your Cat
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
Your Dog(Offered up by Ruby, Zeus and Nanuq ... with Gabby and Mitzi in mind)
Posted 1 week ago # -
jubbjubb
offlineMemberbear's taking a dump in the woods. a little rabbit goes hopping by. bear says to the rabbit do you have a problem with sh** sticking to your fur. rabbit says nope. bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his *ss with him.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Elliott
onlineMemberThanks, everyone, for some much needed comic relief! Most of these jokes are so absurd, but they've certainly tickled my funny bone. Any more????
Posted 1 week ago # -
msballard30
onlineMemberTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Posted 1 week ago # -
Msballard30 - The penguin joke is one of my all-time favorites. The hunter joke is good too, but for some reason I always screw it up.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan Pryce
offlineMemberAn old cold war joke, from my time in the old BRD and the GDR:
What's the difference between communism and capitalism?
Under capitalism, man exploits man.
Under communism, it's the reverse.
Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan Pryce
offlineMemberGod calls the Russian [insert any czar or premier or minister president you please from the last 100 years or more], the German [ditto, Kaiser, Führer, Parteivorsitzender, Bundeskanzler] and the Polish leader [you see the pattern, I hope] to His side.
He asks them what they would most like for their people.
The German quickly elbows his way to the front and demands that Russia be destroyed and erased from the map.
God says, "Done."
The Russian demands that Germany suffer a similiar fate.
God says, "Done."
The Lord then turns to the Pole and asks what wish he has.
The Pole answers, " A café mocha, please."
Posted 1 week ago # -
msballard30
onlineMemberThanks, Silver! Here's another ...
The only survivor of a shipwreck, Pierre washed ashore on a desert island. He managed to find food and water, and didn't mind the solitude, but he grew horny as hell. So when a sheep walked down the beach one day, he dragged the beast back to his hut and jumped it.
But just as he was starting to get it on, a dog ran out of the jungle and began to attack him, and in trying to defend himself from the dog, Pierre had to let the sheep go.
In the weeks that followed, the sheep appeared regularly, but every time Pierre tried to get romantic with her, the dog materialized and attacked him viciously.
Weeks and months went by and Pierre grew hornier and hornier, until his salvation appeared: a lovely young woman washed up on the shore. She was half drowned, but Pierre was able to resuscitate her, and when she came to, she was grateful beyond words.
"You saved my life," she sobbed. "I would have drowned. How may I repay you? I'll do anything, just name it...Anything!"
"Okay," commanded Pierre. "Hold that dog."
Posted 1 week ago # -
ballardmike
offlineMemberAlways a favorite...
http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/Posted 1 week ago # -
Jonathan Pryce
offlineMemberIn a European Heaven-
•The French are the cooks,
•The English are the police,
•The Germans are the mechanics,
•The Italians are the lovers and
•The Swiss organize everything.In a European Hell-
•The English are the cooks,
•The Germans are the police,
•The French are the mechanics,
•The Swiss are the lovers and
•The Italians organize everything!Posted 1 week ago # -
Ballardmike - I'm sure you've already seen this, but maybe someone else hasn't:
Posted 1 week ago # -
ballardmama
offlineMemberHey MadHatter - the computer programmer/God joke made me laugh out loud! Unfortunately, my computer programmer husband did not find it at all funny for some reason (shrug)
Posted 1 week ago #
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